Are your partner's bad moods starting to get you down? (2023)

It's normal for our moods and emotions to fluctuate throughout the day in response to what's going on around us. Emotions are intended to function as in-the-moment signals, to help us respond to what's happening in our environment. This was a beneficial system for our hunter-gatherer forefathers, who had to respond quickly to the physical threats in their environment in order to survive. In our modern world, however, threats are more commonly of a psychological nature and, for many, experiencing strong emotions can therefore feel out of place and confusing.

Many of us have been brought up to ignore our emotional responses and, as a result, don't know how to manage strong emotions when they arise. Moodiness, such as frequently changing moods or gloominess, can arise when we avoid or are unable to work through issues we are struggling with. If we allow ourselves to feel our emotions without doing anything to stop them, they will usually pass. But if we try to block our emotions, they can get stuck and the negative feelings continue, creating further stress which can affect how we interact with those around us.

But what if it's your other half who is plagued by bad moods? And what happens when these moods start to affect you? Spending time with a partner who is frequently moody can be extremely wearisome and difficult to deal with. Bad moods can feel like they rub off on us, and most people have a tendency to take responsibility and blame themselves for how those around them are feeling. So, what can we do to support our loved ones when they are struggling, while simultaneously managing the effect our partner's moods have on us? And how do we know when it's time to move on?

First, let’s look at why your partner may be more moody than usual:

Why is your partner moody?

There are lots of reasons why someone might have frequent, unpredictable or seemingly unexplainable moods. If it's out of character, it may be that your partner is simply going through a difficult time, such as a hard week at work or dealing with a health scare. If this is the case, their moodiness will likely pass as the issue is resolved.

However, if there doesn't seem to be any specific reason for your partner’s moodiness, they may be struggling with a deeper issue, such as depression. Despite how their life might seem to others, if your partner is plagued by negative thoughts about themselves or their life, they will feel down.

Common symptoms of depression include:

• Having little energy and motivation to do things they previously enjoyed.
• Spending more time than usual by themselves, and avoiding their friends, commitments and hobbies.
• Stopping exercising, avoiding housework, calling in sick at work, and showing less interest in the children.
• Other causes for apparent moodiness might stem from ongoing anxiety or unresolved issues with self-worth and low self-esteem.

How to support your moody partner

If your partner usually has a sunny disposition and their bad moods are a new development, what can you do to support them? If they're going through a particularly hard time and are clearly struggling, offering a listening ear, empathising with how they're feeling and asking them what support they need can all help. But remember: what you or I might need when we're struggling might not be what someone else wants or needs, so communication is key.

If your partner's moods are impacting on the relationship it's important to talk about this, too. This will allow your partner to understand the effect their moods are having on you, as well as giving you a chance to express what you need from the relationship. It may also motivate them to work on how they are feeling. Find a time to talk when you're both in a better frame of mind, as it may be a difficult conversation to have.

Don't be surprised if your partner is defensive or wants to avoid the issue at first; it may take more than one conversation. Although a partner's bad moods can often exacerbate any relationship tension and discord, remaining compassionate may not only have a positive impact on them, but it will activate pleasure circuits in your brain, helping you to feel better too.

If your partner's moodiness continues or does not improve after you have communicated how it affects you, it may be time to suggest they seek professional help. You can speak to the Samaritans for advice or your GP to discuss treatment options. A short course of cognitive behaviour therapy with an accredited therapist can help them to manage their mood better or work through any deeper issues.

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Managing the effect of bad moods

While being mindful of your partner and their needs is important, looking after yourself and your own needs is essential. The following tips can help you take care of yourself and manage the way you feel when times are difficult:

✔️ Understand how your partner's moods affect you

Understanding why your partner's moods affects you in the way they do will help you to take back some control over how you feel. The next time you're affected by their moodiness, try to recognise what thoughts are going through your mind and how these thoughts are making you feel.

Memories can be unreliable, so writing this down can help you remember and start to see patterns in your own thinking. For example, for some people, moodiness can trigger self-doubt, with thoughts such as, “I must have done something wrong to make them feel this way”, leading to feelings of guilt or anxiety. In others, a partner's moodiness may trigger insecurity, with thoughts such as, “they wouldn't act like this if they loved me”, leading to feelings of sadness.

Others may have thoughts such as, “they're acting like a child”, or, “they are making things so much harder for me” and feel angry as a result. Recognising the thoughts you're having can help you understand how your partner's moods are affecting you.

✔️ Make sure your thoughts are realistic

We have thousands of thoughts every day, so it's important to remember that just because we have a thought, it doesn't mean it's necessarily true. The types of thoughts that you have about your partner will be shaped by your current mood, as well as your past experiences. Once you've become aware of the thoughts you're having, you can ask yourself whether these thoughts are a realistic interpretation of the situation. You can do this by focusing on the facts.

For example, if you think your partner's moods are a result of your own worth or lovability, it's important to see that these are your beliefs, not facts. Our worth and lovability are not dependent on other people's actions; they are judgements we make about ourselves. Replacing negative beliefs with more realistic ones, like “I am worthy and lovable”, will help you feel more confident about yourself. If the negative beliefs you hold about yourself are long-standing and hard to shift, a short course of cognitive behaviour therapy can help you to understand how you developed these thoughts and teach you how to think more positively about yourself.

✔️ Try to be compassionate and understanding

It's understandable to feel angry or annoyed about your partner's moods if they are impacting on you and your family. However, if you're able to take a more compassionate view of their behaviour, such as, “it's the depression that's making it hard for them to help out at home; this is only temporary”, or reminding yourself of some of their more positive characteristics, it can help to alleviate these negative feelings.

It can take some practice to be able to step back from your thoughts and form more realistic ones. Trying to see the situation from the perspective of a friend who you admire, or talking it through with them, may help to develop a different perspective.

✔️ Take responsibility for your own feelings

The responsibility for how your partner feels is entirely theirs. We can't control how others feel (or how they will act towards us) and trying to fix how someone else feels is therefore an impossible task.

When someone you love is struggling or being abusive or hurtful towards you, it can be especially hard to bear and can leave you feeling hopeless and worn out. At these times, it's important to focus on what you can control: how you think about yourself and your situation, and how you spend your time, which will both impact on how you feel.

Exercising, eating well, spending time in nature and doing things that help you feel happy and relaxed can all help you to support yourself, which is especially important during challenging times. Seeing friends and talking about your problems can also help you to offload and get some distance from your problems.

✔️ Manage how you respond to your partner

It can be tempting to lash out at a partner who is being moody, especially if their moods are placing a burden on you and your family. However, this can exacerbate an already tense situation and create a negative cycle of resentment. Recognising your own reactions and thinking through how you would ideally like to respond to your partner in advance can help you respond more helpfully in the moment.

For example, if your partner seems most stressed and tense when getting home from work, try giving them time to unwind before starting a conversation. If their moodiness leads you to feel angry, make sure you take time out from them, so you can manage how you feel. This can help minimise the impact of your partner's moods on you, create a more harmonious relationship and help you feel better about yourself.

⚠️ If your partner makes personal attacks on your character or behaves aggressively, it's important to communicate clearly what your boundaries are and how you expect to be treated. If they continue to be emotionally and/or physically abusive, information about organisations that can support you can be found below.

Is it time to move on?

Over time, walking on eggshells around your partner, watching what you do and say, and continuously having to manage your own mood in response can become exhausting. In the long-run, this can reinforce negative patterns and lead to your needs not being met within the relationship, as well as creating feelings of anxiety and low mood.

Every relationship will go through difficult times. If you have done your best to be loving, understanding and supportive, and have communicated the impact your partner's moods are having on you, tried relationship counselling and nothing has changed, then it may be time to consider whether this is the relationship for you. This is naturally a difficult decision, especially if children are involved.

Only you can know if it's time to leave a relationship. Taking your time to consider your options, seeking the support and advice of friends, nurturing yourself and seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor can all help give you the support you need while working through this difficult decision.

Further help and support

For additional relationship help and support, the following resources might help:

• Relate – Relationship counselling support for couples and families.
• Samaritans – Free, 24/7 emotional support to anyone in distress.
• National DA Helpline – domestic violence support for women.
• Men's Advice Line – domestic violence support for men.
• Marriage Care – Marriage guidance and support.
• Spark – Free, confidential relationship help.

Last updated: 03-03-2020